RAPPER or REPUBLICAN?

"It ain't hard to tell... " or is it?




My best friend was perusing a gaming magazine recently and noticed a short blurb on a new video game coming out… you ready?…wait for it…wait for it… 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand. Oh! I kid you not. Essentially 50 Cent murdering mofos in the Middle East. Now I will give Vivendi the benefit of the doubt that the premise (and it’s proclivity to alliteration) is pure happenstance but one can’t help but wonder… who would ‘Fiddy’ have beef with in the Middle East? Oh wait, given the current bogeyman status of terrorism in the U.S., why not allow youths to “spread democracy” as their favorite chunky rapper against… I dunno… probably Al-Qaeda. No, that would be just too blatant. One could already make a small leap and view the game as an accidental allegory for the belief that the government is sending young Black males focused on improving their economic status to handle its political stumbles as one would send a janitor for a mess. I’m not making that leap, I’m just saying someone could see it that way. However, it turns out the game is a sequel to 50 Cent: Bloodmoney and IGN reports the game is described as a mix between Three Kings and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. (Seriously, IGN?)


Anyway, the game sparked a new theory for me though. We'll say conspiracy theory to make it easily laughable and dismissible. So... ::exhale:: what if the mainstream was trying to make black folks republicans? Give it a second. And I guess I should say "republicans again". Now throw on your best Oswald Bates impression and 'propose the question again!' Using rappers to represent mainstream thugs and politicians/lobbyists to represent mainstream republicans, let's just look at three signatures of each...

No Homo: Rampant throughout the hood, homophobia has swelled to the point that you can't even talk about your male friend (pause? ... no, exactly) because now you need some sort of qualifier disavowing any conceivable erotic/romantic connection. For the grand old party (GOP), it goes without saying the lack of tolerance for such a stereotypically liberal orientation. Most hypocritically evident in how disconcerted Vice President Cheney gets whenever his lesbian daughter, Mary Cheney is mentioned. The usual justification/excuse being "it's in the Bible". Which brings us to our next signature...

The Original G: Even the most hardcore, weight-moving, whore-mongering, cold-blooded street disciple has a desperate need to cling to his faith. On wax, you hear the "thug" rapper with that one religious track talking about a higher power's omnipotence/omniscience or thanking Him for allowing said rapper to be where he is now (and thus do what he does - which makes you wonder if they think God condones the hustle). Either way, they love Him. And though they may not be in the pews on Sunday, they make no hesitation in expressing their faith. Most stereotypically through a tattoo or jewelry, such as the ever-popular 'Jesus-piece'. Again, I doubt we even need to note the political alignment of the bible belt and beyond. Shoot, nowadays if you're not touching a Great Lake, the Pacific Ocean, or New England your probably in a red state. I whole-heartedly expect to see Gov. Schwarzenegger with a Jesus-piece one day. Give him time, he was the Terminator. And that shoot-first-ask-later persona brings us to the last signature...

Pistol Grip Pump: "From my cold, dead hands" exclaimed past NRA president Charlton Heston. The right-wing's embrace of the second amendment has grown perversely near to a religion as well. Who goes hunting? Who joins the military for sh*ts and giggles? Not thugs, but they still tote them burners. Can we count the number of arrests including firearms? Hell, even D'Angelo was charged with carrying a concealed weapon in January 2005. Wasn't T.I. recently jailed for attempting to purchase three machine guns not to mention his man-size safe of assault rifles? Imagine John C. Sigler (NRA) showing up in his defense to protest his conviction.

Bonus signature: MONEY! They 'bout they paper. And neither is afraid to do crime to get it. "Do thangs, do thangs, do thangs, bad things with it... "

Now that I think about it, The Daily Show's Wyatt Cenac recently did a segment called "Rapper or Republican" where he described an individual while host, Jon Stewart, was supposed to "guess" whether it was one or the other. As a viewer I assumed it would be clear, but in actuality it was amusing how similar certain aspects of the two groups are on paper. Apparently I'm not the only one picking up on this congruence. Anyway, I'm not saying beware I'm just throwing it out there lest it transgress 'excuse me, I mean transvestite our colonic threshold.'