Sunday, November 23, 2008

Dear Ex-Girlfriend: You Can Do Better

Dear Ex-Girlfriend,


You can do better. I was trying to think of a more gentle way to say it but I don't have to, I'm not your man. Granted, enough time has passed that I am in no way upset that you are seeing someone new (nor is it my place to be so). Honestly, I'm just happy that you aren't dwelling on the past. It's not good for you. But then again, neither is your new dude.
Oh, I know he seems good for you, but that's because he's safe. As in, were he one of the last five available men on Earth, then yes snatch him up. But I'd be willing to bet that you didn't snatch or approach him at all. I imagine he noticed you, just happened to say the right thing at the right time and before you knew it... you two were dating. If so, he is lucky to be with you, 'cause... well... you can do better.

Personally, I'm a little offended. See, people tend to date those around the same level of attractiveness as themselves. Thus me being your ex and you dating this dude now is like saying he and I are on the same level (transitive property). And I'll be d*mned if I get grouped in with him. (Ahem, he "could never-ever, ever-ever, ever-ever...") I'm not just talking about appearance. In fact, I'm not even sure how offended I should be. I'm not good friends with the guy but from what you've told me about him and what I've seen that's messed up of you. What did I ever do to you? Actually, don't answer that.

As I said before, it's not really my place to care about who you date. Besides, knowing you, I doubt I have any sway over your decisions anyway. But (believe it or not) I still care about you. I seriously want you to be happy and want the best for you. I mean, clearly the 'best' for you isn't me but it for D*MN sure ain't him.
Allow me to explain that. See, I want to meet your new dude and be jealous. I want to hate his guts. I want to wish all the bad things in life happen to him and only him. Why? Because I would know there is no way I could compete or win your heart back from a man like that. You would be completely enraptured with him. You know, a soul mate or at least real close. All of my positives aside, I'm an asshole. We know this, but if at the end of the day you still entertain the idea of being in my arms then your f*ckin' up and unfortunately not literally.

Shoot, I'm tempted to try to steal you back from the new dude just to prove a point, but that would be evil. And though I'm no angel, I don't have the energy to deal with that drama right now. So instead just think about what I said. I'd sincerely hate for you to miss your Mr. Right because you were stuck with the third runner-up there (in theory, I'm at least second). Even more so, you know I never stay single for long and I promise you that you will walk away from meeting my girl thinking "I hate that b*tch!" Trust me. I don't mess around... well... you know what I mean.

Anyway, next time you're with ole buddy just ask yourself, "can I do better?" You know I know those doubtful moments are coming anyhow. Really, I don't mean this to come off as bashing him. I'm sure he's a great guy and will make someone very happy one day, but in your case, dating him just plain isn't doing yourself justice. You know good and well how great you are. Yes, I am admitting it. So why step down? If you are going to make a mistake like that then you might as well pick the lesser of evils and be with me, again. And we both know that won't happen 'cause...


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